I often find myself looking at pictures of Cody and then I tell myself, "this is so weird!" It still seems so surreal. My mind feels like it's in a foggy haze. It's so crazy to think that we came so far and he didn't make it.
Last week I had a conversation with Cody's mom about how "shocking" it is that he's not here anymore.
Seriously, the only thing that is keeping me is God's sustaining grace.
An older Phil Wickham song keeps playin' over and over in my head. It's called "Grace", very appropriate I'd say.
The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved
I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope I need You
Cause I can’t do this alone
Grace I call Your name
Oh won’t Your smile fall over me
I’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me
I need You grace
I pray for dawn a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
Come down and save me
3 comments:
Amy,
Although I know what grief feels like, I've never felt it in the way that you now do. My mom says that it's totally different to lose your spouse than it is to lose your parent. That makes sense. I used to continually hear Mom bawl in her bedroom and on the living room couch, while we did our school work; all we could do was watch and pray for her, not knowing how we could help her. It seemed like life was tied in a knot, and I was confused and shocked all year long. I was full of anxiety. I hardly cried until the next year, because I was so shocked. It hurt like crazy to lose my dad, but mom hurt more so. But in time, God brought us through it. "We went through fire and through water, yet You brought us out into a place of abundance." (Psalm 66:12)
I don't know how long it takes to grieve. Some people think they know the time limit of it, but it goes according to each person. I still miss my dad as much as I first did, but it's easier to handle, now. It will become easier for you too, in time. I pray that God will be very near to you, as you find Him even more so to be your Husband. Jesus was extremely near to me as my Husband, even though I hadn't lost my husband, but my dad.
You're doing well, Amy! God is with you wherever you go.
Love, Pamela
"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)
Dear Amy,
My heart breaks for you and I think to myself, all I can do is pray. Then I have to remember that is the most precious gift I can give you. Jerod, Alex and I continue to pray for you each day. Cody was like a friend to them. A friend they never knew but that they prayed for each day. We love you and don't want you to feel like you have been forgotten! Thanks for keeping up with our blog. I know I am not near as good as you, but I am trying to do better. Sometimes our life is just boring and I have nothing new to report. Imagine that!?!?! I actually like having a boring life!Love you!
Grief is so surreal which is why it takes so long to get thru...some days you feel like you're facing it and it's ok, then the next day your fogged out and saying "Is this real?"
Am in FL. See ya when I get back.
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