what a journey

A few days ago, I was in Wal-mart grocery shopping when my eyes fell on Cody's orange juice - strike 1. Then I ran into a friend from church who was shopping for a friend's baby shower - strike 2. I don't know why I'm on this baby trip all of a sudden! Then I get to the check out and my mom's card won't work, so I tried to stand there as patiently as possible trying to fight the urge to run out of the store. All the while I can feel the girls behind me breathing down my neck cause I'm taking too long! After everything was finally paid for, I remembered I still had to pay separately for my dad's 2 cans of dip. So the cashier asked my birth date, to which I quickly replied "8/7/83". Then I fumbled for a second and said, "wait, that's my husbands!" Strike 3. After a long pause from her side, I had to whip out my drivers license to prove I wasn't underage.


In the parking lot at last, I started loading the bags and then realized that I had forgotten half my groceries - strike 4. Seriously, if it hadn't been pot roast and beef tips, I wouldn't have gone back inside!

Back in my car, the flood gates burst open and I cried the whole way home. Sometimes the feelings of missing Cody are so overwhelming. Most nights I lie in bed, starring at the ceiling, wondering if I'm going to make it. (No comments please)


Seriously, no matter how strong you think you are, or how much truth you know, losing your husband (or wife) is absolutely shaking. It feels like your whole world has been violently turned upside down. One day it's ok, the next day it's not. One day you feel sane, the next day you feel like you're seconds away from going crazy. It's such an emotional roller coaster.


The past couple days have been so very hard! I often think of my sweet sister, Sylvia, in Redwood City, CA who's precious husband just went to be with Jesus this past friday. My heart aches for her too. I know her pain. I wish I could take it all away. I wish no one ever had to experience this.

I feel like one big walking wound who's avoiding a bandage change because I know there's gonna be alcohol involved. It's going to burn, it's going to sting, and inevitably, it's going to be so painful.

Losing someone is an assault on every emotion, every feeling, every memory. It doesn't just happen one day... and then you get over it and get on with your life. No, that would be too easy! So instead, we go to bed with it every single night and wake up to it first thing every morning. It doesn't ever go away. It's just there. Starring you in the face and reminding you that your husband is no longer here, you will never have his child, all your dreams are now null and void.

It's traumatizing to say the least.

Oh and by the way, what do I do with all those wedding presents that remain in boxes... unopened, unused... as in BRAND NEW? (Just a thought, I'm not looking for an answer!)