a great rescue?

the past 4 or 5 days have been ridiculously hard and painful and its not even that time of the month. ive struggled to maintain my sanity.. and to keep on loving God.

i told Him i hated Him... and you know what, it felt good. like a huge weight or burden had been lifted off my shoulders. its ok, for those of you gasping in disbelief right now. i'm pretty sure He's big enough and can handle it. after all, He already knew what was in my heart... He was just waiting for me to be honest with Him.

of course, i dont hate God. its the farthest from the truth actually. the past 7 1/2 mths have been some of the most difficult, painful, and challenging times of my life but its also been some of the sweetest times with Jesus and Holy Spirit. go figure.

i've also been visiting the 'land of why' quite a bit lately. trust me, i dont recommend going there. highly unproductive and useless, if ya ask me. and Bonnie Chavda. it was bound to happen though. 'why' is such a scary place. its like a downward spiral... you walk thru the door and then it sucks you in and you feel like you might not ever find your way back out again. i hate it.

last night i had a dream that Cody and i were riding a horse down a two lane road. all of a sudden, we saw a grim reaper on a black horse coming towards us in the other lane. he was going really slow, passed us, and then later turned around and started chasing us. i yelled at Cody to go faster. there was another grim reaper on the side of the road with a whip. we tried to gallop past him really fast so that he wouldnt hit us. the first grim reaper was catching up to us. it was the scariest feeling - knowing that we were being chased by a demon. the only safe place for us to go was underground (weird) where we came into a land similar to Narnia. the end.

hmm, i think i need to re-read the final quest. if you havent read it, i HIGHLY recommend it. dont go another day without it actually. i'll even give you my copy, if youre the first person to leave a comment and ask for it.

i woke up thinking 'how strange is that!' and didnt think too much of it. then i talked to a friend who shed some light. grim reaper/demon = cancer. we were literally chased by cancer. Cody did so well in the beginning of the diagnosis. he tolerated the chemo and radiation better than most and bounced back fairly quickly. we were so filled with hope and encouraged that he was gonna be ok.

so now im the one left here to struggle with doubt, disappointment, and betrayal (by God).

i know, in my heart, that Cody is more than ok. i'm sure he's not up there (or out there...) asking God the 'why' questions. he's probably really stoked that he didnt get healed. i mean, after all, he's in the glorious presence of Jesus. it doesnt get any better than that.

here's a thought: i wonder if it's possible that what looks like betrayal to me, looks like a great rescue to Cody? just a thought.

anyway, im tired and that makes it hard to fight and keep the faith sometimes. if it werent for guys like Steve Scroggs, Bill Johnson, Graham Cooke, Mahesh & Bonnie Chavda - i probably would've slipped off the edge by now. their messages give me hope and inspire me that God has a destiny for me. sometimes i forget. i read His word, but sometimes its just nice to hear it.

its been ridiculously tempting to give up. especially when the hordes of hell come taunting and wanting to know, "where is your God?" (psalm 42:10)

i love Him too much to give up, i know too much. i've seen and tasted. and He is good.