Well, shoot... that's about all I have to say.
A few days ago, in Nashville, dad and I were having dinner at Cracker Barrel. I scanned the room; eyes falling on a young guy sitting with his wife. I don't know why exactly, but it sent my heart spiraling and tears filled my eyes. I had to get out of there.
Today I was grocery shopping and couldn't help seeing all of Cody's favorite things. I wanted to buy him exactly what he likes... and then I remembered... and that too sent my heart spiraling.
I don't know what it is about being in public places, but man... it just rips my heart apart!
Everyday I'm missing Cody more and more. I know he's with Jesus, but that doesn't change the intense loneliness I feel without him, or the tears that come at the oddest times, or the aching that's in my heart to just touch him, or poke his chubby cheeks, or hear him sing "Chantilly Lace" to me, or or or or or... this life is just so crazy!
You are my refuge and my shield; Your word is my only source of hope - Psalm 119:114
3 comments:
Grief is so weird like that--out of nowhere a wave feels like it's going to engulf you--and then it ebbs out.
The scriptures say we dont grieve like those without hope--but it doesnt say we don't grieve. The strength of marriage is the incredible bond it creates but this bond creates pain too when we are seperated from the one we are intensely bonded to. Its the bond that brings intimacy and attachment and the same bond that brings pain at the seperation of it. Without that bond we wouldnt' have the depth of intimacy but we also wouldn't have the pain of disconnection.
There is only one way thru grief and that is thru the middle of the pain with all that hard reality. The Lord is the only comfort...but it still hurts and ironically, was made to remind us of our intense love.
Oh Amy, my heart just hurts for you. I guess now that you are in your normal routine again with nothing to distract you, the memories are all coming to the surface. Along with all those memories comes the pain of knowing a very important part of your life has left. Of course he is with Jesus and you are happy for him because he is not suffering anymore but at the same time its like 'what about me?? I'm in pain as well. we were supposed to grow old together.'
Allow yourself to feel these feelings Amy. No need to feel guilty. Noone will ever think less of you and I'm sure Jesus our ever forgiving father won't mind if you scream and shout and ask why??
I embrace you in my prayers.. Amy you're a hero! You're not forgotten! I cannot with words describe how much you amaze me and the realationship you and Cody had is just amazing as well!
I can only imagine the intense heart ache you must have, but in the midst of it all... when you're weak you are strong!
LOVE YOU!
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