2 steps forward, 1 step back

Sometimes I feel like my heart takes 2 steps forward and then 1 step back in the healing process. This weekend has felt like a step back. Yesterday I flipped thru some pictures of Cody and my heart just sank, to the bottom of my chest it seemed. Irretrievable. When will the shock be over? When will the reality sink in? When will I wake up from the nightmare?

I'm "doing" all that I know to do, which is simply sitting at the feet of Jesus literally every single day while He picks up all the pieces of my broken heart.

Cody's death has been one of the most overwhelming, heart wrenching things I've ever had to walk through. It has not been easy to say the least.

But I can honestly say that I have felt the love and presence of Jesus and that wild and crazy Spirit of God in a way that I've never felt Him before. He surrounds me. There's so many times when I feel incredibly alone and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere I feel Him near. It's like His presence never leaves my side.

Friday afternoon I went grocery shopping, which has been anything but fun these days. It used to be one of mine and Cody's favorite things to do, go figure! But now, shopping for one person is not easy. Anyway, as I was checking out, the guy ringing me up "noticed" that I only bought 1 or 2 of each item and wanted to know if I was "divorced, single, married, or what?" Then he "noticed" that I was still wearing my ring. I just kinda stood there for a few long seconds trying to think of how to answer his slew of questions. My flesh wanted to tell him to mind his own business, but in my heart I knew that he was just trying to make conversation. And how could the poor guy have known that all his questioning would turn on the faucet? So, I guess I mostly just felt bad for him. He apologized for prying and I left the store in tears.

This afternoon, I stopped by Trader Joe's, which just so happened to be one of mine and Cody's favorite places do our grocery shopping. See what I mean? We went grocery shopping for "fun"! Which means now I can't even walk into a store without almost losing it everytime. Anyway, I'm in Trader Joe's with my sweet little friend Ashley when all of a sudden it hits me that the last time I was in a TJ's was with Cody. I scan the store, remembering too many memories all at once, and then quickly turn to Ashley and say.. "I don't need anything! Lets get outta here!"

Sometimes it's so easy to just not engage in what Holy Spirit is trying to work out in my heart. I'd rather avoid it because it's just so darn painful. But I know that healing is healthy and necessary. I'm so thankful that I'm in this place where I don't have to "do" anything and I can just let God do whatever He wants.

I have a feeling that tomorrow is gonna be one full day of engaging. In the morning, I'm meeting with friends at YWAM-Charlotte for book club. We'll be discussing chapter 1 of Unwilling To Concede. If you're struggling to know who God is in the midst of your own loss, disappointment, broken dreams, grief, pain, etc then this book is for you!

After book club, I'll be meeting with a couple who are spirit-filled (there's a difference :) Lutheran pastors to discuss all things Cody. I'd really appreciate your prayers, especially tomorrow. I'm already emo, so it can only intensify from here.

The above picture is a little something that I believe God gave me a few days ago. Obviously, the broken heart is how I'm feeling right now but I believe God is going to heal it and put all the pieces back together again. Because that's what He does.