for some reason, i havent felt like writing lately. ive even considered canceling the blog a time or two.
Israel/Palestine just feels like a dream now. much like the past 2 yrs or so of my life. the details are fuzzy, but all i have to do is look back at all the pictures and see that it really did happen. sometimes i feel like i'm just going thru the motions; not really embracing life or really even living it.
on another note, im wondering if im going thru another stage of grief. im confused a lot, having a hard time focusing/concentrating, especially in conversations, short term memory loss, i'm exhausted, and i dream ALL the time. seems like my brain is still trying to process! i wish it would take a break. the dreams are mostly insignificant, but i feel as if i just dream all night and then when i wake up, i feel like i haven't slept at all. this started in Palestine.
i love spring though. its so beautiful at my parents house up on top of the mountain. the other day, i walked around the yard admiring buds on trees like a kid in a candy shop :) i love the life that i see all around me. i've needed some life in my life.
on a more exciting note, i started working temporarily this past thursday for a dear friend/neighbor. thank you, Sandy! i'm helping out in her office and helping get things ready for an upcoming retreat. it's been so good to get out and put my hands to something.
what's next?
good question. i'm not 110% sure yet, still praying thru some opportunities :)
4 comments:
I believe this blog is probably the biggest outward healing catalyst you have. God is the greatest inward healer. If you decide to not blog, I shall miss it, but I would encourage to keep writing your words, if only for your own eyes.
Whether by death or divorce going from married to single hits a woman harder than it does a man. We are emotional people. We feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
For every 3 months of a relationship, it takes a woman at least 6 months to process it.
I found this on the internet:
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
__________
don't be in a hurry, Amy. You are very, very normal...and you are right where you need to be in your grief...and it's okay.
Love you
Ouida
Grief is an odd journey. It's never 'where' you think you'll go and it's never what you think you'll see or feel. It's like walking down the middle of the Houston freeway with a blind fold on.
Thank you for sharing all your travel pictures--because of them I could explain a little better this 'crazy thing called Jesus' to my children--who are 4 and 6 and are just now trying to understand the Bible stories they have been listening to all their lives.It was great to explain a tomb and then show a pic of the actual tomb, the 'hill' where Jesus died, and all the other great pictures you took. Thank you for sharing your journies, physical and emotional--you are an amazing Christian woman and I do believe you make this world a brighter place bacause of who you are.
I have also experienced grief in the last three years with all of Tommy's illnesses and our drastic change in life style. I have experienced dreams, nightmares, not just crying but whaling, and then there is that incredible joy. You are right, you never know which emotion is going to happen and WHERE is might happen. In two weeks, last May, Tommy was in congestive heart failure that ultimately led to open heart surgery, my brother died, and trees fell in our house and came into our living room. Then came the news that my baby boy and his precious wife were going to move to Uganda. I am sure many of my friends think I have "gone on over the deep end" because they never know what behavior I will exhibit next. It has made my life crazy. The thing I fight most right now is "being around people". I just don't want to talk or laugh..so I just don't go anywhere; even avoided church activities at times. I can't even explain it!! Going "through the motion" is something I have down to "an art". I don't like it and I pray about it daily. Don't know why I am saying all this because it is not helping you; but know that I do know the prayers to pray for you and I will continue to pray. You are young, and so beautiful - inside and outside - and when you don't feel like blogging - just don't !! Many of us understand. I knew recently when you came back from Israel that you were struggling because you were "gone from the blog".
I love who you are, what you are, who you serve, and all about you. Do stay in touch with us who love you so much - even when life doesn't make sense.
Mama Boone
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